SWIM OR SINK


I am so honoured to have been selected to participate in this challenge, thank you very much. It gives me the opportunity to share my experiences with others in writing, which is what I love to do. Don’t be surprised if you find my take on life a bit odd, or weird, or outdated, that’s just basically me: always the odd one out!

The truth is, I’m not quite sure if I’m swimming or sinking at the moment; I suspect I’m walking through a dark, dark tunnel, swimming in the middle of the ocean with no visible land in sight, and all I have to do is trust in GOD, trust myself and keep swimming until I see the light at the end of the tunnel, until I reach the shore.

Some years back, I was literally sinking in all areas of my life! I was in my final year in college, struggling to pass the remaining modules of my degree in psychological counseling in order to graduate. I kept failing the same modules repeatedly to the point where I received a warning letter from the University!

I knew that I was failing because I just wasn’t studying. I had very little time to study because I had a demanding full-time job. I didn’t love or like my job: I hated all the calculations and data entries I had to do daily, the endless inquiries and emails I had to respond to, the telephone that wouldn’t stop ringing and the unending pile of admin work on my desk! I was, and still am, terrible at providing customer services and dealing with people made me feel drained! Every time a customer walked towards my desk I wanted to scream “Get the hell out of here! Get the hell out of my life! Leave me alone! Alone! Alooooone!!!”

I knew I was a misfit, I knew I was in the wrong job, I was miserable, but then my boss kept giving me fantastic reviews and it felt great to be appreciated by my boss! She was in fact a very good person, very encouraging, kept telling me that I was doing a fantastic job and that my attention to details was a great asset! She often pointed that she loved the fact that I always entered the data correctly in the system and the way I responded to inquiries was very good! I loved my boss, but I just wasn’t the right person for the job! And I was a terrible team player!

I was miserable in that job; I often stayed at work until very late and almost always brought more work home, and would end up staying up all night working from home. There were times when I spent all night in the office working.

The job was demanding but on the other hand it paid quite well. My salary was raised three times within the space of a year (which is very uncommon) and the company offered great benefits including medical aid. In fact, the salary was so good that I was able to pay my rent and other monthly expenses with ease, as well as my educational expenses including tuition and books, and still had a surplus left to go on a holiday! The only problem is the money was going to waste because I had no time to study and was thus failing repeatedly at school, and where was I going to get time to take a holiday with such a demanding job!

Strangely enough, I managed to write a novel titled “Simple Girl” in the midst of the chaos! Don’t ask me how, considering I had no time in my hands, but I did it mostly in the taxi on my way to and from work, in the toilet, during lunch breaks…basically I used any opportunity I could get to write until I completed the novel. I was so happy, I sent it to hundreds of agents and publishers – all of whom rejected my book! I felt dejected: my desk at home was piled with rejection letters, and my in-box was filled with hundreds of emails from publishers and agents basically rejecting my manuscript! As I shelved it, I couldn’t help but cry! Three hundred pages of what I thought would be my break-through novel, became three hundred pages of dust on my shelf!

I didn’t know it then but I was sinking! I had no social life, no friends, no support system because my entire life revolved around my job/work. I worked day and night, and the monetary compensation was very good but, like a purse with a very big hole at the bottom, all the money that was coming in was going out just as quickly. I was paying for an education that I wasn’t benefiting from because I couldn’t even get around to doing my assignments leave alone studying, I was overworked and always exhausted, my physical and mental health were quickly deteriorating, and I was in such emotional turmoil that I started seeing a counselor. The psychologist/therapist, whom I saw during night because I had to work during the day, charged me two hundred and fifty dollars per session for keeping her awake at odd hours of the night!

Things got so bad that I lost my voice and when that problem was sorted, I suddenly lost my vision. Becoming blind was the most terrifying experience I have ever had. The worst part of losing my sight was the fact that the doctors couldn’t figure what was wrong and/or if I would ever be able to see again!

The truth is there was absolutely nothing physically wrong with me and after about a terrifying week of being unable to see, my sight returned. I did go back to work, to hand in my resignation letter! I quit!

I’d like to tell you that everything turned out miraculously well after that but that only happens in the novels I’ve written so far! 🙂 I still work quite a lot, sometimes I spend the entire night just working, but now I do so because I’m just enjoying what I’m doing: writing! Most of the manuscripts I’ve written are shelved: I feel that some of the novels need to be improved and the others, well, I’m still gathering enough courage to upload them! 

I’m finally doing something that I love and I wake up every morning eager to get to work! And I often get so lost in my work that time flies by without me noticing!

I think I’m finally starting to swim, I’m not sure, only time will tell.

Have a blessed week!

Copyright©matildembulo. All rights reserved

amazon.com/author/matildembulo

Margaret Eden Kanza is the president’s only daughter. Known for her stubbornness and controversial ways, Margaret has become very unpopular with the country’s most senior politicians and upper society due to her incessant habit of supporting ‘nontraditional’ causes and constantly ‘poking her nose where she’s not supposed to’. Following an unsuccessful attempt to murder her, Margaret discovers that she has two choices: fight or flight.  Margaret’s choice is unsurprising but is she ready to face the truth regarding the real reasons behind the plot to assassinate her as well as the true identity of the person who is trying to kill her?

Now available on Amazon: amazon.com/author/matildembulo

Copyright©matildembulo. All rights reserved

amazon.com/author/matildembulo

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10 Comments Add yours

  1. SonniQ says:

    Interesting, I could so relate to, having a single-minded brain. Yes, I am more than a touch weird, and I’m so happy that. Weird people are more creative, I think.

    Thanks for coming to my blog – I have two. One is focused on prisons, especially the man in prison I’m writing my book about, along with a piano soundtrack, and the other is where I write about lots of things and can rant and rage if I choose. I will be back and look you over more thoroughly. Peace and love, Sonni

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Sonni. Thank you for gracing this page with your lovely presence, for shining your light here and sharing your wisdom. Have a blessed day.

      Like

  2. I really enjoyed this post… so much of what you said reminded me of myself. A few years ago, I had a spectacular burnout (adrenal exhaustion) and had to retire early as a result. But it gave me the opportunity to start writing; something I had always dreamed of. Your courage and determination are inspiring: I could never have written a book (!!!) during my working years. Thank you so much for following my blog. I am looking so forward to following and reading your work as well 😊

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your inspiring reply and for sharing your wisdom with me. Wishing you showers of happiness and blessings

      Liked by 2 people

  3. mydangblog says:

    A great story with an important message–all the money in the world isn’t as important as living your best life!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I couldn’t agree more! Thank you for reading my article, it means the world to me😍

      Liked by 1 person

  4. jayanta13 says:

    Enjoyed reading this very much. It is the first thing I read this morning. And it made a deep impression.. 🤓

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this motivating reply. Have a fantastic weekend

      Like

  5. Karen says:

    Wow, what a story. The image of you writing in the toilet cubicle made me chuckle. It’s great that you worked your way to find something that you love doing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you And thanks a bunch for taking the time to read this. Have a blessed weekend

      Liked by 1 person

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