One minute she loves him

The next minute she hates him so much

She cannot believe she’s still in love with him


Is she really in love?

Just because her feelings haven’t dissipated after all this time?

Can’t there be a logical explanation for this?


Love is not supposed to hurt

That is what she has believed all these years

But he has gone beyond hurting her

He walked all over her delicate heart

Trampled and smashed it to pieces

He broke her

He challenged everything she believed in

To the point where for a while, she stopped functioning


He was cruel in his actions

She sat there believing that he loved her

But all along he was with another

She sat there hoping, praying, crying

She even wrote an entire book of affirmations about him

Which she secretly kept well hidden under her pillow


Now she’s reflecting about everything

And she wonders if she wasn’t just naive and delusional


Ok, but to be fair to her

She eventually woke up from delusion-land

She packed her little bags

She hit the road even though she was broke as hell

She ran as far as she could

She hid as best as she could


Let’s be fair on her

He was aware that she was in love with him

So if he really wanted it

He would have made his move

She moved on; at least she tried to

She left to start a new life somewhere else

She met new people; She settled down in her new city

Her life gained some normality again


So why is she still in delusion-land?

Why is she still loving and hating him as passionately as she did before she left?

Why can’t she stop thinking about him?

Does she need counselling?

A psychologist? A psychiatrist? A therapist?

What does she have to do to get out of  delusion-land?!

Copyright©matildembulo. All rights reserved


It all started at around midnight when Alexia suddenly found herself awake. Still in bed, she turned her head towards her open room door. She couldn’t understand why she had woken up suddenly at that weird hour of the night. The house was semi-dark, despite it being a moonless night. For a moment she just lay still, listening intently.

She was lying on her back on her thin mattress on the floor which she used as a bed and her head was slanted partially sideways with her eyes fixed on her open room door. She always left her bedroom door wide open as there was no point in closing it since the lock was spoilt.

The building was in complete silence; too quiet, she thought. With her eyes still fixed on the room door, Alexia slowly reached her left hand up to the side of her pillow and gently grabbed her stun gun. With her other hand, she pulled her covers aside and felt the cool air gently caressing her naked body.

She stood up quietly, carefully switched on her stun gun and with her hand resting lightly on the trigger, tiptoed towards the door and switched the bedroom light on. Then she continued into the corridor and made a right turn into the living room. She pressed her free hand simultaneously on both switches and the room came to life. Inside the living room she first checked the main entrance door to the back to confirm that it was still firmly bolted.  Then she checked the sliding door to the front which led to the balcony. It was also firmly locked.

Walking cautiously back into the corridor, she leaned across and carefully unlocked the bathroom door before switching on the light and peeking inside. Then she retreated and walked further towards the end of the corridor, gently unlocked the kitchen door and quickly reached for the switch. Alexia held her breath as the fluorescent light bulb danced on and off for a few seconds before finally staying on. As she stepped into the kitchen, she felt the coldness of the ancient marble floor pierce though her bare feet! She gave a tour of the tiny kitchen, using her free hand to check the huge lower cupboards, one cupboard after another. Then she used a long broomstick to carefully open and search the empty upper cupboards. At one point, she pondered whether it would be wise to peek outside through the large kitchen window that was covered with a delicate curtain. From her kitchen window it would have been possible to see the main entrance door of her neighbour’s apartment as well as the entire lobby on that floor. She stood facing the window for a moment, hesitated and then opted against touching the curtain or peeping outside.

Satisfied that the kitchen was clear, she reached for the adjacent door of the laundry room and quietly pulled it open. She peeked cautiously into the semi-dark laundry room before walking inside to check that the second back door was firmly locked. Satisfied that the locks of the huge metal door were firmly in place and feeling more relaxed, she walked back into the kitchen and served herself a glass of cold milk from the fridge before walking back to her bedroom without bothering to switch off any of the lights. Whenever she felt afraid or unsafe, she usually kept all the lights in every room of her apartment on.

From her bedroom, she checked to confirm that the second door that led to the balcony was firmly locked before sitting on her thin mattress on the floor with her back supported by the wall. Beside her mattress on the old wood-tiled floor lay her laptop. Alexia reached for the laptop, placed it on her bare lap and switched it on with the intention of sending a quick email. Strangely, she found that the wireless network on her computer had no signal and her internet cable was not working either, and she had no idea how to fix the problem. Irritated, she switched off her laptop computer and slammed it shut. She reached for her glass of milk and lifted it towards her lips just as a loud thunderous sound vibrated into the room causing her to spill the milk on herself. The old chandeliers overhead clattered and dangled dangerously and she felt the ground beneath her shake violently. Seconds later, the lights went off and the house fell into complete pitch-back darkness!

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Copyright©matildembulo. All rights reserved.

Matilde Mbulo




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